Meanwhile a hearing test at work has indicated that my left ear is 15-20dB deaf(er) than my right. What gives?
- posted by Lach @ 08:09 (0) comments

 
Yep, I was right. I am too boring for Francisco.

I guess I knew that from the start. I wondered what he saw in me when he had a busy life, wonderful friends and great personality. But I told myself that I should drop this self-consciousness bullshit and give my all. Unfortunatley I didn't really get the chance to do that.

I basically got the 'lets just be friends' spiel. Considering I'm so different to all his friends I don't really see how that is going to work. During the discussion, I found myself wondering if I could change enough for him. Then I thought, 'would I be happy if I did' and the answer is of course, no.

My previous relationships have ended with a feeling of relief amongst all the sadness and sense of ending. This time however, I only have this huge feeling of loss. I was the happiest I've ever been when I was around him. He was just inspirational to me. I had visions of me being active, getting out and doing things, travelling and improving. None of this, of course, is any fun by ones self. Now that I can't look forward to time with him I know my inspiration to tone up and look good will fade.

I know there will be other people in my life. But I really could see myself spending years with him and feeling fulfilled for once.

It's amazing what a person can do to you in only 3 weeks.


- posted by Lach @ 12:22 (3) comments

 
I don't really get down (sad) much. But when I do I have an easy temporary fix. Theres this photo of my dog that makes me smile no matter what the problem is. Sadly she died in 2002 (at the age of 13 i think) but she was probably the best friend I ever had. I was grumpy for days after that. Plus that I wasn't there. Meh.

Here is the photo:


- posted by Lach @ 12:30 (0) comments

 
God i miss him so much.
- posted by Lach @ 20:35 (0) comments

 
This was the first weekend in almost a month that I haven't spent with Francisco. He's had a lot to do with moving house etc. Whats bugging me is he seems so...distant, when I call him.

He was busy Friday night which is ok as I had to make an appearance at a party. He was going out to dinner with an old friend Sat night which is ok too. But when I call him he is like, not paying attention and doing stuff, or talking with someone IRL at the same time. There was also a feeling that he didn't want my help with all thats going on at the moment (ie unpacking etc).

It's rather odd as before I started spending time with him I had no problem filling in any amount of time by myself. This weekend I just can't seem to stick with anything. It's like I'm aching to hold him, be near him.

I guess whats got me most concerned is that we're so different. He's dynamic, energetic and active while I'm boring old me. But no one has inspired me to improve myself like him. I'm exercising properley, eating properley and doing more than the eat sleep work routine for the first time in probably a year. I guess it's just having someone to do stuff for. I adore spending time with him no matter what we're doing. He makes me want to try new things or old things in a new way. I feel so comfortable with him it's like I've known him for years.

I'm afraid that if I keep calling him etc all the time I'll come across as clingy and annoying. And if I let him do his own thing all the time I'll appear indifferent and uninterested. It would be apt that my last relationship died due to lack of effort on my part; that this would die from overwhelming him.

I've never had anyone screw with my emotions like he does; and I love him for it. I didn't even know I had these kind of feelings available to me (imposed on me?)

Yet the three times I called him this weekend I've felt unhappy/sad after each phone call.

I'm hoping that it's just lack of time on his part and not a general malaise. I'll just have to see what comes. I'm probably overreacting anyway. I hope.
- posted by Lach @ 15:24 (0) comments

 
LOL. A Silvia just went screaming past here (fucking loud which made me look). Then about 10 seconds later a police commodore (ss?) went flying past with full lights and sirens. Go get em boys!
- posted by Lach @ 16:14 (0) comments